Christie Anderson|
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach
It starts from childhood...
As children, we are supposed to learn how to interact with the world around us. How to communicate with others, what words/actions are kind or unkind, and how to act in public.
We are also learning how to allow ourselves to be treated.
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What children rarely learn, is how to treat themselves.
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Whether you came from a family that openly invited difficult conversations, or didn't welcome tough emotions, childhood is a challenging time. Children must navigate family conflict, peer pressure, and lots of new changes with the constant access to screens and technology, (that just wasn't around during my childhood.)
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I have had the privilege of working with children, adolescents and adults within my career, and I am proud parent myself. I have seen the switch in many children, from that boundless pride a toddler carries through the world, to the self-conscious way a pre-teen navigates theirs.
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I learned how deeply unhealthy family systems can impact development of a child's sense of self. Struggles with self-esteem, confidence, insecurities, negative self-talk, body image issues, and a deep desire to be validated and seen.
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When those needs weren't met early on, they will often find unhealthy or unhelpful ways to validate themselves during adolescence or adulthood (controlling their eating habits, substance use, self-harm, risky behaviors, engaging into relationships with toxic partners). Many times they feel they are to blame, or that there is something wrong with them, and continue the behaviors out of guilt or shame.
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Even if you didn't have the foundation you wished you could have, as adults, we have an opportunity to help the children in our lives now.
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There is a critical point where we can intercept these feelings... pull our children in rather than letting them slip away. And it's earlier than you would imagine.
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From my experience as a Mom and a therapist, I have seen the
benefits of helping children learn about the power of their voice and choices, exploring their uniqueness, building their confidence, learning to set boundaries, learn to manage their own tough feelings and allowing them to embrace their talents.
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Using this lens, I have developed a tool kit for children to aid in their growth and emotional development.
Ariella's Wish
I have used my daughter as a muse to author a children's book,
Ariella's Wish, which follows a child struggling to find acceptance and "fit in". It's a story that teaches children to love themselves, fosters self-confidence, and to be proud of the talents that make them unique and special. This book is best for ages 3-9.
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Reading to children can improve language skills, increase concentration, cultivate creativity, and further secure a guardian/parental - child bond.
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By introducing stories where the protagonist questions their abilities or struggles with self-confidence, many children will align with the character and connect with their struggle. Through the character's journey, the lessons of self-love and acceptance will be instilled.
Calm Down Corner
Emotional Took Kit
When children become dysregulated (upset, anxious, unable to control their emotions), they may spiral. This can look different for every child, but may include crying, yelling, hitting, biting, breaking toys, self-harm (scratching, biting, hair pulling) and other behaviors. It can feel easy to say things like "oh stop crying, it's not that bad!", or punish the behavior ("I won't have this behavior in my house!") but that only invalidates the child's emotions. Often children are acting out because: 1. They don't have any other tools to help the calm & regulate themselves, or 2. They are not able to access those skills when they are super upset.
Everyone, children and adults included, need a safe space to control their big feelings.
The first step is naming them. The next step is practicing methods of relaxation and regulation. The more we practice (and help our children practice) when they're not upset, the easier it will be to recall those skills when they begin to feel overwhelmed.
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This toolkit contains the materials to create your own Calm Down Corner for your child, with mind and body exercises to help them learn to identify and name their emotions, regulate their body (get back to center), and manage their Big Feelings.
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Each toolkit comes as a downloadable PDF with fourteen (14) high resolution printable tools, as well as instructions on best practices to create a safe and welcoming space, to help your child feel secure and build up their emotional tool kit.